Putting myself and my opinion in public may risk being judged. Despite how fearful I was, I couldn't help coming back to a place called "Social Media" again and again, and I didn't know why? Until receiving a thousand hated messages online, I was clear the online world was my place to be claimed.
In 2019 when a pandemic was part of our life everywhere around the world. I decided to leave my country, Thailand, to be by the side of my love in France.
I had already started to write on social media at that time. Still, I had never gotten as much attention as I wish I could.
Until I put my story and myself public in one of the social media groups, and the shit storm of hated was throwing me over.
When I arrived in France, the winter had visited, and a country lockdown due to a pandemic was taking place.
I lived in a small village of 300 people whom I knew no one. The cold and the lack of human connection got me. I miss my friends, and I miss anything regarded Thailand.
I searched quickly and found a Thai woman community in France on social media. I promptly wrote about my story and how I moved to France to live with my life partner, including pictures for attention. I realized that I had a lot of joy writing in Thai either.
I was expecting a warm welcome and a lot of friendships in return. I was wrong. I got a lot of nasty, envious, insulting comments. I felt sad and bitter. My body trembled with an overflow of negative energy.
I was always afraid of a day like this and never tried to invoke anyone.
People talked about me like they knew me so well. They judged me. They even snapped some shots of what was available publicly on my personal Facebook and negatively discussed it. The comments were over a thousand. Some even sent me a hated message privately.
I had to stop reading those comments for my sanity. I couldn't sleep for many nights, and I cried.
That event alone may kill someone's dream but not me. Even though I got a lot of nasty feedback, there was also a slight excitement from this event. Why not? For the first time in a lifetime that my story got a phenomenon engagement.
In the shadow of darkness, some people sent me the word of encouragement. They love my writing, and they believe I have a talent.
In the drama scene and the flood of hate, I recognized who my faithful fan was.
That little light in the darkness helped me cope with my pain and held me through an uneven road of writing again.
At least a thing that I most feared had already happened, and I didn't die from it. A few days passed, and it was like it had never happened before.
I came to understand why expressing myself on social media always attracted me even I kept telling myself all the negative consequences that may come with it.
My soul screamed out loud in the silence that this is the way to be free.
Because deep down under the need to express, there is a need to be free, free from requiring validation, free from other people's opinions and judgment. There is nothing else I can do but accept the challenge.
So I did take a ride and wrote. I transformed the hate and pain into a creation. I am proud to finish my very first book, Lost love sin city (in Thai). Something I thought it would take me a lifetime to do.
Thought out the journey, I learned something important.
First, I learned no matter what you shared and how great they were, there will always be people who dislike you and disagree with you.
But I also learned that I don't need everyone to agree with me. People's opinions could not identify nor devalue who I am.
Last but not least, I learned that allowing people to think and speak what they want without taking their opinion personally was the key to my peace and freedom. As I free them, I free myself.
I still get some unkind feedback sometimes. It didn't hurt me like before. I felt intent, and that is the biggest reward for accepting this challenge.
But what I didn't expect was I also got to see the people who love me. They put against those negative comments. One of my reader she said:
"I don't care what other people think about you. I love your work, and I love you. I am your great supporter."
She also said, "Even we have never met, but I feel that you are my friend. I love you."
These warm my heart and heal me.
It is worth everything to embrace love like this. Each day, I reminded myself not to be influenced by the hate and invest my energy in the one who loves.
At the end day, I heard a God's whisper penetrate my heart. Despite the hate from some people I received. The voice told me to have compassion.
In that mercy of God's grace, a tear flowed, and I felt grateful as if I remembered that that hate and pain were my teachers.
Without them, I would not be able to step out of my comfort zone and claim my freedom to speak. All I can say is thank you for those thousand hated messages. It truly set me free from fear of being judged and opened a new world of possibility.
This story is my journey to overcome my fear, share who I am, be loved, or be hated. What about your journey? What you fear most might be the way to free you.
Thank you for reading my story, feel me, and understand me.
Love
Lita Jane