I have a fear of rejection. Nothing new, everyone has that but I just realized it is at a level that could blend the reality and put me in no-action mode stop pursuing my dream, or reaching out to others and make a connection I desire. Doesn’t matter how much love has poured on me before, one small rejection could make me forget that I was loved and I am worth it.
During this Thailand trip, I got many triggered and perceived as being rejected and even my head could analyze and understand that that was not true but I couldn’t help I feel.
I feel rejected by my beloved island which used to show me all her magic. I got stood up two times in a row. I could see clearly that there is nothing to do with me personally but that wound got hurt.
Oh God, the shit show written by the mind, playing by me, no stunt, and I got hurt.
My mind became irrational and also introduce the idea that my work is shit as well. How that could be related?
I just forgot all those people who reach out and said they love it, It helped them. I even have followers who see me as the inspiration that now I am so afraid to fail their expectations.
Because I have my problem and illusion like others. I might not be the person they think I am. Especially when I drown under the storm of being rejected illusion, and all I could express is my raw feeling, not any wisdom.
And sometimes I don’t know how to finish my message because I just don’t know. Maybe if I could say something like I spent time to craft my work like I usually do. I would say if you feel rejected, you are not alone. I am here feeling all that pain like you do! It shall pass. Shit that is life!